Looking back...

My school got a Journalism minor so I won't have to transfer...YAY...I am excited about it...I can't wait to start on it the only thing is that now I have to pick a major...yuck...but I guess it is better than never...Anyway lately I have been in a reflective mood on my life...Just going over events that have made me who I am and times that I wish I could have back to relive again...To feel young again and just have a childlike abandonment...I mean I like my life right now...It is really good...I have a family who supports me and encourages me to do what I want to do...I have alot of friends that I don't know what I would do without alot of them...I am about to be an aunt for the second time...I mean life right now is just wonderful...I have everything I could want right now...well for this part of my life...but I just want to feel like a little kid again...Most people experience this feeling upon turning 20 so I guess I am good...I may be a little behind considering I have been 20 for 2 months now but I guess late is better than never...but I just want to go back to being young and innocent not knowing everything that I know now...I want to go back to those Saturday mornings and rushing into the living room to watch cartoons before anyone else was awake but my brother and myself...I want to have the assurance back that I was alright that no matter what I did I would still be "Babygirl"...The assurance that I couldn't fail at life...When did life become so complicated? When did all of the self-consciousness kick in? I mean it is like one day I went from being this young carefree girl to trying to find the largest sweater I could to sink into...Yes I have grown out of that...sorta...I still have those days where I put on a big sweater or hoodie and hide away from everyone...but it is not because I am afraid of people noticing the changes in me...it is because I don't feel like being social with everyone...or because I am cold...but I don't really hide in them that much anymore...I have to thank God all the time for sending me Laura...She drew me out of my shell...Yes Savannah and MacKenzie were always loving to me and trying to get me out of my shell...but somehow having someone my age do it made it better...At a time in my life when I was not sure just how to be open to others Laura was right there helping...alot of people don't believe that I could have been less outgoing than I am right now...but it is true...I guess I used to be a hermit...but I guess I can blame it on being homeschooled through a time in my life when I needed to be around people my age...although I wouldn't trade being homeschooled for regular school ever...I loved being homeschooled...but I do think that I would have turned out way different if I had not been homeschooled for the majority of my school years...I remember being outgoing as a young young child...like when I was six or seven all the way to being ten....but then something changed and I went inside of myself...I want to go back to a time when my daddy wasn't so sick...back to a time when he could do anything...I don't want to face the reality that he may not live past this year...I don't want to think that he may not be able to walk me down the aisle or that he may never get to read one of my books or that my children(adopted or biological) won't know their poppy just like I never knew my poppy...I don't want to think about losing my daddy...I have been and always will be a daddy's girl...When I was born daddy named me...I was supposed to be Rachel Emily but ended up being Amber Rachael(he spelled Rachel wrong as my mom likes to say)...When I was born he was disabled(still is) so he stayed at home with me while my mom went to work(before my dad recieved his full disability) and I guess one of the main reasons that I am so spoiled(and softspoken) is because he couldn't stand to hear me cry so he would give me whatever I wanted...I remember going to college with him...sitting in the classes with him...I remember singing "I want to marry daddy" at my kindergarten graduation...I have so many memories that revolve around daddy and I don't want to loose that...but I have to know that it is God's will and that all of his pain will be at an end when he reaches heaven...but it is just sad to think about it...I guess I was in a state of denial but when he came up here to help us move he couldn't do anything...and that when it hit me that I may not have my daddy much longer...It is really hard to think about and I have no idea what life will be like when he is gone...I'm not ready for that yet...